This drive I learned at the early stages of my life brought me a lot of success and some said everything I touched came to fruition.  It also kept me learning and being very busy for many years to come.

I start noticing the downside of this burning desire of mine, that had a character of runaway train that is not able to stop, in age of 28 when I started sensing first signs of physical, emotional and mental withdrawal.  I was being continuously tired realizing I am not achieving anything anymore.  I am incapable to rest, but I feel like I need to stay in bed and sleep so much!

I felt, that every day feeling like I just keep on ‘surviving’ and I am not enjoying my life at all.  I used to have a panic attacks and feelings of anxiety on regular bases.  Once in a half year I used to collapse out of exhaustion being hospitalised.  I then took a time off and things have been good for a little while, but then it all went back to the way it was before and the cycle started over again.

I used to complain to my father trying to explain I feel like a machine and I have no way of stopping it all as all this pressure I am putting on is the pressure I am causing to my self – I am the one who is doing it all – if its someone else, I tell them off…

Then I noticed some signs of OCD in my behavior that I also didn’t feel I have much control over.  My actions been driven by fear of not being good enough and could not see the end of the tunnel – felt like in the rat race that is never going to end, so I kept on doing more and more naively thinking I can finish it ‘all’, catch up and rest.  That moment was just not going to come – the moment when I catch up…. EVER!!!

I thought of all other people being lazy and slow and that nobody can possibly understand me, so I didn’t talk about it and just ‘got on with yet another task to tick the box.  I’ve tried counseling on couple of occasions, but didn’t feel it helped.  I started being irritated, not having time for anything anymore and felt constantly stressed.

I started neglecting myself, my basic needs like food, sleep and even hygiene and became a smoker as a cigarette then became the only thing that gave me a break and the only thing I looked forward to in the day.  I used to cry out of exhaustion and I wished the world to stop as I became so low and unhappy, in spite of being positive person having tons of energy, my body started giving up.

I knew I am awful to myself keeping on flogging myself like a dead horse, pushing myself further and further.  It felt like big dark cloud is hanging over me wherever I go.  I kept on surviving my day being unhappy.

And so there I was, young, intelligent, with great potential, but depressed, very very tired, not achieving anything feeling sad and lonely…

I had enough and felt that’s it!  I’ve reached the bottom!  There is nothing else for me left.  The most painful part being such a giving person was, that for the first time, there was nothing, absolutely nothing else I had to give to all those people around me…  I’ve burned out and couldn’t speak or get up any more.

It was in that moment, where I have decided to take a month off work and go to India to fulfill my dream to study yoga.  From the moment I have made this decision about year ago, I started feeling better.  It also all felt so right after such a long time.

However, the most importantly, I started building relationship – the most important one – with myself and I started falling in love with myself finding a forgiveness and true compassion.  It was a beautiful and emotional journey and I felt that something fundamental is changing inside me.

Towards the end of my stay, I was scared to go back to London as I was worried that the amazing gift of experiencing yoga so deeply, I was scared it will all disappear withing a week of me being back.  I have made a commitment to continue with the healthy life-style, my yoga practice and my whole new way, much kinder way of being after my return and…..I have decided to share this gift – my story and very organically, started teaching and doing what I love as to me, it was as natural as breathing and felt soooo good 🙂

Yoga has had huge benefits for me such as becoming more present, expressing myself in more authentic way, it brought me peace to my life as well as more confidence, strength and enjoyment of every day life, all the little things..  It also teaches me to listen inwards and being able to hear my inner voice, a voice I could not hear for so long…