I am writing this story as I am swinging my beautiful twin girls to sleep. My God, I am a mum!!! I still have to pinch myself every day, as there has been many moments in my life where I didn’t think it would be possible for me…
But let’s reverse a little and start from the beginning…
I remember the day I decided me and my partner will try for the baby. It was a beautiful sunny day and I was floating above the ground filled with joy and excitement!
8 Years later, after exhausting all the holistic options to get pregnant naturally, I was sitting in the London Hommerton Fertility Clinic with my husband for the first time feeling strange, overwhelmed, scared and anxious.
I was googling, I was searching for answers, I bought all the vitamins and supplements under the earth, I tried all kinds of treatments, I’ve done it all. I was lost! Why me??? What is wrong with me. What other women with those beautiful big bellies have what I don’t have? What else do I need to do? I blamed myself for occasional party cigarette, vodka shots, for all the stressful jobs I had in the corporate world, for all missed yoga classes.. I though it must be some kind of punishment. Why else would God let me suffer this much?
547 injections, 10 kilos heavier, several IVF treatments and few miscarriages later, I was waking up after one of my surgeries in great deal of pain. I had egg retrieval before and it didn’t hurt this much. I knew something went wrong! I had internal bleeding. They saved me! After this experience I had to ask myself whether I want my baby so much I’m willing to put my life for it. I told my husband, I cant take it any more and this will be our last try. I spoke to God and begged in tears for the baby.
Two weeks later, Pregnancy Test was negative. I’ve went for the walk to the beautiful cemetery on the hill in the small village where my sister lives, I lied between the graves, closed my eyes and asked God to take me…
It was the tipping point of my journey towards the Motherhood. It was spring 2018. From that moment on, sitting in my sisters garden, I had big realisation. I am so tired of trying for the baby putting my life on hold. I just want to be happy. I stopped fighting, I’ve surrendered…and slowly, slowly, I started finding reasons to live again…
I spent all summer all alone, connecting with nature, sitting around the bonfire drumming till silly clock in the morning with wonderful strangers…. I started to heal my soul. I was trying to remember who I was before, what used to make me happy, but more importantly, who I am choosing to be now!
I decided regardless of the outcome – whether I will have a baby or not, I want to contribute to women going through this. I started sharing my journey and bringing women together. I was coming back home reconnecting with myself on the soul level and it felt beautiful. I started to fall in love with myself, my body and even finding tremendous strength in allowing myself being authentic and vulnerable. I started to feel again, enjoying intimacy with my husband in the most surprisingly wonderful way. I slowed down and started seeing beauty in the smallest things. I left being a girl and started honouring myself as an amazing woman that I am. I also started skating again, dancing and playing tennis, running for joy just like when I was a kid, going to theatre and meeting new amazing people.
I clearly saw my journey is no punishment, but the greatest gift, that gave me freedom from all that was holding me back in life and led me to live the life I love.
I moved out from London and now live in beautiful peaceful home near mountains. I am making money doing what I love and feel passionate about.
And relationship with my husband? Together we went through thick and thin. I know he is the one I always feel safe with and supported by. He says we have a blue-tooth connection even when we are not together. He is the one I am being in love with now more than ever before!
…and yes, he is the best daddy to our two little girls, who came to our life just few months later. They are our miracle babies and thanks to them, I am present to mirracles in my every day life even now.
I believe mirracles are absolutely possible for all of us! That’s why I am standing here, sharing my story as a gift to you all. I am offering you to take my hand so you can experience your own journey newly and create it as the greatest gift in your own life turning suffering into something beautiful and lasting. I am inviting you to see what else is possible for you in your life. And yes!!! Let’s bring more miracle babies to this world! 😃🍀✨👼🍀✨👼🍀✨👼
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