Desire to become a mum

Desire to become a mum is one of the strongest desires we can feel as a human beings.

I am sitting on the seminar together with 280 fellow participants. It’s a 4 months, very powerful transformational personal development seminar, where this time, we focus on success. Next to me, black lady with curves and beautiful lipstick. As buddies for the exercise, we get to share about what we see success mean for us – I am focusing on area of my career.

It’s been almost 8 years I am trying to be a mum. I am open and I always shared about it with people as truly, I had no idea it is going to take this long and still awaiting happy ending, maybe an ultimate prove that miracles exist, that one day, some day somehow, it will also happen to me.

I have been in personal development for more than 13 years, qualified as a personal coach after 3 years of living and breathing it in 2007, soon after became an NLP practitioner and a yoga teacher, continuing leading groups on multiple seminars with great success experiencing fulfilment when I do so. I should know it all! I work with women, I feel them… I should be a mum of all my three babies by now!

Several seminars for the last two years, my goal was to get pregnant. I know the work we do simply works and I have countless of results, but no little bean in my tummy.

Everyone knows, my friends support me tremendously all these years, my family being there for me, hospital appointments, multiple infections, healers, surgeries, more holistic help, yoga, coaching, sharing on the stage, meditation, more coaching… I light the candle in every church, I pray, I have only one wish.

I even let go of my previous career, where I was a stand for the end of suffering for children in the world, to give myself more space to live with as little pressure as possible… Nothing…

This seminar I said I focus on wealth and my success in this area, to be able to provide for my family doing what I love and what I am passionate about, from anywhere in the world as a yoga teacher and social enterpreneur.

Chosing not to focus on the baby goal, not this time! Its not happening no matter what I do or how hard I try anyway. So not this time, Enough! I feel pathetic, none really understand anyway and now I feel it’s becoming boring now even for my friends. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want anyone to ask any more.

So we are sharing with the lady sitting next to me what success means in our life and from nowhere, there it was, loud and big and it hit me by surprise. Deep, deep sadness about failing to be a mother. I was able only to say couple short sentences as the pain I felt inside stopped me from being able to use any more works. I don’t cry any more. I make myself busy living great adventurous life and being successful in what I put my heart into.

Tears coming out, big ones and I cry and wheel a lot in the middle of the crowd. It is all coming out. It is not a pretty looking princess type of cry and I cant even care less about who is watching or not. It feels so good, its coming out from somewhere deep deep inside.

The lady next to me is being here with me. I feel her. She is creating a safe space for me to cry. I still don’t know her name. She gently takes my head and in tender motherly way, she places it on the soft part on the top of her large chest. Its soft, warm, comfortable. I stay there and wish to stay forever.

Eventually I look up noticing her face filled with tears. Silence between us, that speaks million words. Strong present of us being a one.

In this moment, for the first time after years, I felt someone got my pain of trying to be a mum. After years of blaming myself for crying, for being weak, not perfect enough, not strong enough, different to others and in my mind incapable of being a mother in so many ways. I accepted my pain and felt a full permission to feel. There is someone who gets me. Im not alone, for these few moments, I am not alone with the deepest pain of my life and it is such a relief!

The woman called me couple days later with thank you. She said: “I have got three teenage daughters and since the evening you opened up to me so bravely, I will never see them in the same light again, but the great gift, the most wonderful miracle of my life.”

Needless to say, I cried some more. This time being grateful to who I am and what difference I still make to those around me, even in the moments when I don’t expect it can happen.

How is your journey so far?  What are you feeling inside?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.