When Having a New Baby Helps in Relationship and When It Destroys It

At times when it starts getting tough in relationship, many couples see having a baby as a way to bring the old spark back in.  Can baby truly rescue your relationship or the opposite happens – it destroys it completely?

People often idealise having a new born bundle of joy and they believe that this adorable little creature has got a capacity to rescue disfunctioning or almost non-existent relationship.

On one hand, baby is adorable, loves you unconditionally and truly enhances your experience of life, on the other hand, you have to realise that as a future parents, what is awaiting for you is never-ending stretches of tiredness, dirty nappies, cries and various moods of all members of your family.  New born baby can even from making a simple dinner make an extremely demanding task.

Whether your new born will bring you closer together or set you apart all depends on your communication, that is happening long time before the baby is born.  What is absolutely crucial is for two people to agree on both wanting to have a baby together.

Ten important rules for the happy marriage with the baby:

1. Make the decision to have a baby to be a family decision

It is crucial for partners to allign and agree on this idea.  If so, baby truly can bring couple closer providing they communicate effectively through the space of respect and unconditional love.  If this decision is coming just from one of the partners and the other one is feeling pressured to comply, it is high possibility that partners will separate afterwards.

2. Have realistic expectations

Speak openly about the baby care with other parents.  If you are planning to be a first time parent, notice children in your environment and spend the time with them to understand little bit more, what will be centre of your life in next few years.  Of course, every parent and every child is different, however, regardless how much time you spend with other people’s children, your family life will be for you still one surprise after another.

3. Communicate, communicate, communicate

It is important to know, how both partners imagine they will take care of the baby.  If father is expecting that mum will do everything to look after the baby and mum expects, that dad will share the duties 50/50, the problem may be on horizon.  Be open and honest about your needs and expectations and co-create the realistic plans together.

4. Don’t expect partner to read your mind

Be straight about asking your partner for what you need, otherwise it creates ‘stuffy’ atmosphere of making him guilty just because you are expecting him to understand what you want. Don’t hold back with praises.  Share about your feelings and open the space for being there for your partner in the same way.  This kind of open relationship has got a bright perspective to last a lifetime.

5. Listen Actively

Listen to your partner deeply if he is comming to you with the problem.  Listen and dont try to solve the problem ‘your way’ straight away.  It is important to listen to your partner in such a way, that you listen for what he is really trying to tell you.  This way your partner will feel your support, being heard and respected.  For example: Man comes back from work and his wife is complaining that the baby has been crying all day.  She doesn’t want to hear all the advice about what she should do to keep him calm, she just seeks the understanding for what difficult time she is going through.  She is wanting to be appreciated.

6. Allow each other rest and sleep whenever possible

If you dont have a child – it may appear strange, after birth of a baby you will understand  and appreciate this.  First months with your baby are usually very time demanding and you will get minimum amount of sleep.  Its therefore very important for parents to help one another and create the sleeping plan in such a way, that they will both get the rest.  There is no guaranteed rule that works for this.  Each couple needs to find their own system.

7. Pay Attention to Yourself

If you want your relationship to work, first of all you need to work well inside.  if that means for you to create time for the coffee with friends, go shopping or relaxing having a facial; for your partner going for a beer or golf with his colleagues, allow yourselves to do so from time to time.  It is important for your mental health to also do things that we enjoy, things that take our mind away from daily tasks.  Discuss your plans well in advance, so you are able to synchronise with your partner.

8. Spend the Time Together

Your relationship should be no. 1 priority.  It is impossible to keep it going without paying attention to one another.  It is important to ‘keep the fire burning’.  You cant just expect that in 10 years time, everything will be OK.  Intimate moment (not only in their sexual sense) are important for relationship not only in this point, but for the many years to come and it is also great for your children to see he/she has got happy, loving and affectionate parents.

9. Notice New Perspective

Have a look at your partner as a parent.  Many people say, that when they see other person in this role, they fallen in love with him/her newly.  Seeing mum breastfeeding the baby or father with your baby in his hands are all very powerful moments.  Enjoy them!

10. Work as a Team

Always remember you are one team.  Your common aim should be mutual support, helping hand and trust.  It is not healthy to constantly just expect something – it is important also to give.  Yes, good relationship includes a lot of giving and taking, but couples in long term relationships will tell you its is well worth it!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.