We all love to be in love and deep inside, consciously or subconsciously seek for that feeling of profound connection… But what if we are in relationship and it’s not going the way we would like it to go? What if we realise we are no longer able to feel ourselves and spend a lot of energy thinking whether partner we chose to be with is still the one for us?
You may be here looking for support due to some early troubles in your relationship, or because of sustained problems thinking there’s no way back, but if you’re still seeking ways to repair or strengthen your relationship, let me tell you, there’s still more than just a hope.
The road to repair doesn’t require a full personality change for both of you, but will require time, effort and commitment from both parties and often there is someone who needs to start.
We believe these five tips can help you on your way to a stronger loving relationship.
1. TALK TO EACH OTHER
The first step to improving any relationship is effective communication:
- Set regular time to time to talk about your concerns
State your thoughts in terms of behaviour, without judgement, attack, or blame. Be specific, constructive, and positive.
- Listen to your partner’s full story
Everyone’s perception is valid, whether or not you agree with it. Listen without interrupting or judging. Be curious about your partner’s point of view.
- Paraphrase your partner’s thoughts
Affirming that you heard him or her does not mean you agree or disagree. It just means, “I hear you and I understand and believe that’s the way you see it.”
- Empathise with your partner’s feelings
Feelings are never right or wrong; they’re just feelings. And all of them are genuine. Expressing empathy validates that you heard your partner’s feelings without judgement.
- Take your turn
Once your partner feels heard, share your story and ask your partner to validate and empathise with your thoughts and feelings. When people truly feel heard and validated, whether or not they agree, it’s like magic.
2. TALK TO OTHERS
An outsider’s view can be helpful in helping to each other understand the other’s perspective without judgement.
You may want to keep this close with friends or family, choosing someone or a number of people that both of you trust and feel you can chat openly with. Keep this relaxed and informal but if it’s something that helps, meet regularly to help you stay on track.
If you don’t want to confide in a friend or need more specialised support, then you may want to consider seeking professional help by booking in your call with the counsellor, coach or a therapist.
3. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR DIFFERENCES
Not in a blaming or argumentative way, but thoughtfully. Talking about your differences in a spirit of reconciliation can help each of you sort out what you bring to the party. For example, research shows that people with secure attachment styles who had loving and attuned relationships in childhood are unlikely to display patterns of demand or withdrawal; but insecurely attached people are. Talking about the ways in which you react and respond differently can be very constructive, as long you don’t do it in a critical or denigrating way.
4. EDUCATE YOURSELF
Nobody is born knowing how to maintain a perfect relationship and self-knowledge is key to understanding what the problem could be and what areas you and your partner should be focusing on. There are numerous resources and books you can lean on to help with this depending on your circumstances and we’ve listed some useful tips below:
- The All or Nothing Marriage from Eli J. Finkel
Data driven ‘lovehacks’ on how to get the most out of your relationship - The 5 Love Languages from Gary Chapman
The secret to love that last - Mating in Captivity from Esther Perel
Reconciling the erotic and the Domestic - Slow Sex from Diana Richardson
The path to fulfilling and sustainable sexuality - Listen, Learn, Love from Susie Albert Miller
How to dramatically improve your relationship in 30 days or less - Attached from Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller
The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love - Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work from John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
Practical guide - Loving Bravely from Alexandra H. Solomon
20 lessons of self-discovery to help you get the love you want
5. CONSIDER GOING BACK TO SCHOOL
No matter how old you are, the old saying still stands strong…every day is a school day and there will be classes and courses that can help you to improve the way you deal with relationships and determining whether this is a relationship worth saving.
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