Why Some Relationships Last and Why Some Don’t?

It is often very confusing why certain long-term relationships survive and some don’t. It can seem that from the far that it is very cruel and alarming lottery. Trying to explain love or a visitor from another planet is very complex matter indeed. All couples on the wedding day are united to make things work. Then, for reasons beyond anyone’s comprehension, some of them simply seem to dissolve and others don’t. To remove some of the terrifying elements of the apparent chance and encourage us to work on the right aspects in relationship, it may be helpful to understand little bit more about the real reasons why the break-ups occur.

We need first to discount some causes that in my opinion get too much of an ‘air time’ relative to their actual likelihoods. Of course, sometimes couples break up, because one from the couple wants a younger partner or they want a better sex or they are seeking more exciting companion or because their hobbies or political views has drifted world apart or because things somehow grew stale.

Given the costs of break-ups and massive investment people give in being together, given a chaos generated when there are children, one can assert with the high degree of confidence that almost no one splits up for such familiar reasons mentioned above.

Real reasons lie elsewhere. The real reason for break-up lies in one or both spouses’ sense that they have not been heard. That something very important to them has been disregarded, that their point of view at the fundamental level has not been acknowledged and honoured. And it doesn’t matter what the subject of this non-hearing may be. It can be that they haven’t been heard on their views about the money or how their children should be brought up or their weekends managed or how intimacy occurs or doesn’t occur. It is the feeling of our differences that is bearable or unbearable. It’s never the actual presence of our differences.

We never break up because our partner doesn’t agree with us. We can stand not getting what we want, we can stand our partner votes differently to us, or that he is no longer as young as once was or he has annoying friends or different taste in holidays. What we can’t stand is someone who blocks us when we are trying to articulate how troublesome we are finding these areas of diversity. When our unique way of looking at existence seems to be ignored, misunderstood, ridiculed or laughed at. Then we feel lonely.

It’s better to be single then unseen. After all, ‘unseen’ are alone anyway whatever their relationship status is. There is a big difference between a partner not doing what we want and a partner not hearing what we want. It is totally possible that one would remain with someone who doesn’t share our interests as long as they happen to accept and signal us understanding of how much these interests matter to us.

It would be possible to live with someone who doesn’t want to have the same sort of sex that we do or wants no sex at all as long as they can see at some points see matters as they are from our position and can give a sign of genuine empathy to our hopes and longings. We can be with someone who’s needs for affection run in a different direction as long as they have a courage to listen how ours operate.

We don’t need partners to agree with us on everything, we need them to give of the signs they accept the scale and legitimacy of our vision.

‘I understand’ is the single phrase that can rescue more relationships than any number of anniversary celebrations or therapy sessions. It deserves to be known as the most romantic phrase in existence. There is a lot of hope in this thesis. If we want to stay together, we don’t need to be exceptionally beautiful or rich, we don’t need to have a brilliant sex or a friction free alignment of interests. We just need to make sure, that we are people who listen. Who when our partner has got something important, they need to get across to us, can bare to take things on board, can bare to acknowledge opposite position, has a courage, even in the middle of the argument, to say ‘I can see this matters a lot to you and I will try my hardest to think about it and try to see what I can do about it’. From here, it doesn’t really matter if things radically change or not, the vital work would of have been done and the relationship would of been assured.

People described as ‘defensive’ may have a thousand armors, but we should know that the most genuine open person is preferred to the most seemingly defensive one.

The person we should settle down with shouldn’t be the most handsome or cleverest of all. It’s the one who should feel no pride or worry to say: ‘I can hear what you are saying and how much this matters to you, I get it.’ Or ‘Because I love you this makes me curious, tell me more’. This person will surely one day annoy us or frustrate us mightily, everyone does, but we will be highly unlikely ever wanting to break up with them.

And finally, here are 10 Reasons why your relationships don’t seem to last: