Losing a loved one is hard, no matter what the circumstances. Overcoming the fear of losing loved ones is a very personal experience. Luckily there are research-based techniques that can help such as thinking realistically about death, coping with the fear of loss, and receiving social support.
Recognize that death-related fears are normal
Most people fear the death of a loved one at some point in their lives. Additionally, most people experience loss of loved ones in their lifetime. Fear is a very natural and primal response to the anticipation that someone you love will die one day.
- Know that you are not alone. Other people can empathize with your situation because they have probably dealt with a similar issue. If you feel comfortable, you can share you feelings with others that have dealt with loss and this can help you have a sense that you are supported and validated in your feelings.
- Validate your own fears and feelings. Say to yourself, “It is okay to be fearful or sad. These are normal responses to the situation.”
Focus on what you can control
If you are caring for an ill loved one, this can create additional anxiety, distress, burden, and loss of independence. While you can definitely do your best to help your loved one, you may not be able to control how long your loved one lives. Focus instead, on what you can do today, such as spend time with them or cope healthfully with your fear and sadness.
- Think of everything you can control about the situation. For example, you can control your own behaviors – what you chose to do about the situation. You can focus on doing your best to comfort and care for your loved one. You can also focus on soothing yourself and expressing your own emotions with loved ones in order to process your grief.
- Let go of what you cannot control. Visualization and imagery can help use gain perspective on what we can and cannot control. Imagine placing your fears on leaves that are floating down a river. Watch them as they drift away.
- Set your limits. If you are caring for a loved one who is ill, this can cause a variety of extra challenges including stretched limits, anxiety, and depressed mood. Only do what you can do, and set aside time to take care of yourself. You may need to set boundaries with others in order to preserve this time alone.
- Use mindfulness to pay attention to the present moment. We fear because we are thinking about the future and what might happen instead of focusing on the here-and-now and what you can do with this moment. Take charge of what is happening right now (as you are doing by reading this)!
Accept loss
Studies show that when people have more acceptance surrounding death in general, they have an easier time dealing with loss and show more resilience overall.
- You can begin to practice acceptance by making a list of all of the difficult emotions and thoughts that coincide with the fear of losing your loved one. Write down your most intimate thoughts and fears and accept each one. You can say to yourself, “I accept my fear and pain. I accept that I might lose this person some day. It will be hard, but I accept that loss is a part of life.”
- Remind yourself that death is a part of life. Unfortunately, loss is also something that almost everyone deals with in their lifetime.
Think positively about the world
When individuals believe that the world is just and fair, they are more resilient and have a less difficult time coping with the loss of loved ones.
- One way to think positively about the world is to recognize the circle of life and that both life and death are natural. In order for there to be life, there must be death. Try to see the beauty in both life and death. The life cycle is an amazing thing that we can learn to appreciate and be thankful for. When one person dies, another can live.
- Practice gratitude. Say something to yourself like, “I may lose my loved one, but at least right now I have the time to spend with them. I will focus on this and be grateful for this time that I have. I am so thankful for each moment I get to spend with them.” We can also choose to be grateful that we all, including our loved ones, have the chance to experience life.
- If your loved one is in pain, you can focus on the idea that after they pass there will be no more suffering. You could focus on the fact that regardless of their (and your) beliefs, they will be resting in peace.
Use your coping resources
Having inadequate coping resources pre-loss is associated with higher difficulties and chronic grief after the loss of a loved one. Thus, it is crucial to employ coping mechanisms when you are fearful of losing a loved one.
- People typically have ways to cope with certain emotions such as fear, loss, grief and depressed mood. Some examples of positive ways of coping with fear of losing a loved one include exercise, writing, art, nature activities, spiritual/religious behaviors (such as prayer) and music.
- Deal with your feelings appropriately; allow yourself to feel them and let them out if you need to. Higher depression levels (prior to the death of a loved one) may indicate a better adjustment to loss once the loss occurs. Crying can be a healthy and normal release of pent up sadness and fear.
- Keep a fear journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings about losing your loved one.
Take deep breaths
If you find yourself in a panic or having extreme anxiety about the thought of losing a loved one, deep breathing exercises can help to reduce physiological reactions (heavy breathing, rapid heart-beat, etc) and help you feel calm.
- Sit or lie down in a comfortable place and position. Breathe deeply and slowly in through your nose and exhale out through your mouth. Concentrate solely on your breathing pattern. Pay attention to your stomach/diaphragm as it moves in and out as you breathe.
- Try a meditation practice, which can help you quiet your mind and identify the basis for your fear. For instance, you may be able to pinpoint that you’re afraid to lose a person who’s really special to you, or you may discover that you’re actually afraid of your own mortality.
Bolster your self-esteem and independence
High self-esteem is a protective factor against difficulties dealing with issues related to death. However, relationship issues such as conflict and excessive dependency on others may result in individuals becoming more vulnerable to chronic grief after the passing of a loved one.
- Be more independent and plan for a life of independence.
- Trust that it will get easier and you will be able to cope with it.
Create meaning and purpose
Believing that the world has meaning (a point) helps people deal with the reality of death and can help reduce the fear of losing a loved one. Having a purpose in life means living for specific reasons (such as for family, an occupation, to help the world, give back to the community, etc.) rather than just existing or surviving. If you have a purpose or multiple purposes in life you can focus on what you will accomplish and carry on if your loved one passes away. This gives you reassurance that you will continue to have something to live for if you loved one is no longer with you.
- Remember that you are a valuable member of society. Focus on what you do that contributes to the world. Do you help others? Are you kind to strangers? Do you donate to a charity or volunteer your time? Acknowledging these attributes can help you realize that you have a purpose, and can continue that purpose despite losing your loved one. You can even dedicate certain activities or projects to your loved one in the future.
- Try to create meaning in death. An example of creating meaning out of passing away is that death is necessary for life, or that death is simply a gateway to another dimension or reality (such as belief in an afterlife). What does death mean to you? Will your loved one live on in an afterlife? Will you loved one live on in the memories of their loved ones? Or, will their contribution to society live on?
Get in touch with a higher power
A higher power can be anything that is greater and more powerful that yourself. Having a connection or thinking about your religious, spiritual beliefs, or worldviews helps individuals cope with death-related themes.
- If you aren’t religious or do not believe in a divine creator, you can focus on a higher power such as nature (the moon and ocean are very powerful). A higher power can also be a group of people (since groups can be more powerful than one person).
- Write a letter to your higher power expressing your fears about losing your loved one.
- Pray to your higher power about your feelings and thoughts. Ask for the outcome that you desire (for your loved one to make it through, or for your loved one to not suffer, etc.).
Cherish the time you have with your loved one
If your loved one in question is still alive, make sure to spend quality time with them in their final days.
- Talk to your loved one about shared memories, as well as what you appreciate about them.
- Make sure you emphasize how you feel about your loved one. Tell them you love them.
- These end-of-life conversations can be very difficult, but you want to make sure you get what you want to convey across so that you don’t have regrets. You can try writing down what you what to convey to your loved one before you tell them.
Talk to a family member
Families who stick together in continuity and support during times of loss are better at enduring difficult emotions associated with loss.
- If you feel the need to talk to a family member or friend, consider asking them. Chances are, you aren’t the only person who needs comforting.
- Surround yourself with family members and create unity through talking about shared memories or engaging in activities together.
Confide in trusted individuals
Not only do family interactions assist in lessening the fear of losing a loved one, but relationships outside the family are also useful in increasing ones ability to positively cope with the anticipation of loss. It is helpful to discuss your feelings and thoughts with others in order to reduce fear and anxiety.
- If you are religious or spiritual, try talking to your service leaders to comfort you and help find some appropriate prayers.
- If you don’t feel like there’s anyone you can talk to, consider talking to a therapist, especially if your fears are interfering with your ability to function normally.
Offer support to others
Not only do we need social support when we are worried about someone dying, but giving social support to others is a great way to feel better.
- Talk to Your Children About Death. If you have children, make sure to spend some special time talking about the subject of passing on. Most public libraries will have children’s books to help you and your children with the subject in a graceful manner.
Keep the relationship alive
One of the biggest fears people have when considering the death of a loved one is the ending of that relationship. However, a relationship with someone lives on past death, in your memories, your prayers, your feelings and thoughts about the person.
Focus on the fact that your relationship and connection with this person can never die.
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