In the 7 year process since my dad was diagnosed, with my dear mum overcoming near death experiences due to stroke and a heart attack also in this period and all the aftermath that followed for me and my siblings, I have collated the list of 16 things, which I believe will be helpful and soothing pieces of advice that will leave you with the feeling of something else other than deep sadness is still being possible.

1.) Accept that things have changed

When a parent starts in any way depending upon their child, a world has turned upside down for us.  Be prepared for that radically new paradigm. Old roles may not apply; old methodologies may not apply; old emotions may not apply.  Be prepared to work from – and write – a whole new script.

2.) Take it slowly

Taking care of an elderly parent is generally a marathon, not a sprint.  Don’t rush it.  You and they both are in uncharted territory.  Let the process reveal itself to you; to the degree that you can, let whatever happens unfold organically.  As much as you lead what’s happening, follow it.

3.) Expect nothing emotionally

At the end phase of their life, your parent might open up to you emotionally and spiritually; they might express for you the love that, for whatever reason, they haven’t before.  But they also might not do that; your parent might even more tenaciously cling to their crazy. If as you care for your aging parent you bond with them in a new and deeper way, of course that’s fantastic.  But going into caring for them expecting or even hoping for that to happen is to wade into dangerous waters.  Better to have no expectations and be surprised, than to have your hopes dashed.

4.) Expect their anger

When you start taking care of your parent, they lose the one thing they’ve always had in their relationship with you: authority. That’s not going to be easy for them to give up.  Expect them, in one way or another, to lash out about that loss.

5.) Give them their autonomy

As often as you can, offer your parent options instead of orders.  It’s important for them to continue to feel as if they, and not you, are running their lives.  Let them decide everything they can about their own care and situation.

6.) Ask their advice

A great way to show your parent love and respect – and, especially, to affirm for them that they are still of true value to you – is to sincerely ask them for advice about something going on in your life.

7.) Separate their emotional dysfunction from their cognitive dysfunction

Through your conversations and interactions with your parent, learn to distinguish between their emotional and cognitive dysfunction.  The patterns of your parent’s emotional dysfunctions will probably be familiar to you; those, you’ll know how to deal with.  But their cognitive dysfunctioning will probably be new to you.  Track it; react to it gingerly; discuss it with your parent’s health care providers.  Mostly, just be aware that it’s new, and so demands a new kind of response.  This is a part of the process where it’s good to remember point No. 2.

8.) Love your health care providers

During this phase of your life, you don’t have better friends than those helping you care for your parent.  Cleaning person, social worker, physical therapist, nurse, doctor, caring neighbour – treat well each and every person who plays any role whatsoever in caring for your parent.  When they think of your parent, you want everyone involved in their care to have good, positive thoughts; you want them to want to care well for your mom or dad.  Steady kindness, and little gifts here and there, can go a long way toward ensuring that’s how they feel.

9.) Protect your buttons

No one in this world knows your emotional buttons like your mom or dad does.  Surround those buttons with titanium cases and lock them away where your parent couldn’t find them with a Rorschach test.  Unless he or she is an extraordinarily loving and mature person, your parent is bound to at least once try to push your buttons, if only to establish their erstwhile dominance over you.  Don’t let them do it.  You might owe them your care, but you don’t owe them your emotional well-being.  With your parent, let “No buttons for you!” be your motto.

10.) Trust Process of Life

Life is full of never ending challenges and at times this law of life takes too much energy.  One of the greatest lessons I learned on this journey is trust whatever life is presenting us with.  Embrace it even when it feels like its too much and we just can’t take any more.  Expand, breathe, keep on trusting and after some time, things will get easier and you will be able to reflect and see the true reason behind all the madness so beautifully it will move you to tears with the sense of deep gratitude.

11.) Join forces with your Siblings

You guys have one thing in common – love for your parents.  No matter how your life worked out, they are the ones that gave you life and opportunity to be here.

One of the best side effects on this journey was getting closer to my siblings, involving them in decision making, asking for help as well as discussing the feelings and all the fears.  The whole process is bringing us closer we have ever been before.  It is making us feel human and portable.  It is making us realise and value the time and also to pull together as together we really are stronger.

12.) Take care of yourself

It’s so easy to surrender to the care of your ageing parent more of your life than you should.  But you serve well neither yourself nor them if you fail to take walks; to stretch out; to eat right; to make sure you spend quality time away from them.  Make taking time to rejuvenate yourself as critical a part of your care routine for your parent as you do cooking their meals or making sure they take their meds.  Your life still needs to be about you.

13.) Talk to a friend

If you have a friend with whom you can regularly meet and talk, or even chat with on the phone, do it.  During this time the input and love of a friend is invaluable to you.  Sharing what you’re going through with someone not immediately involved with it can be like a life preserver when you’re bobbing in the ocean.  As soon as you get involved with tending to your parent, call your best friend, and tell them that you’re going to be depending upon them to do what friends do best: care, and listen.

14.) Have fun

One of the things we most need in life is the one thing we most readily jettison once we begin caring for an elderly parent: fun. Fun! Have some!  Have lots!  Rent a Marx Brothers movie.  Wear a goofy hat.  Make your parent wear a goofy hat or silly t-shirt… Whatever it takes.  But remember: A day without fun is the day wasted.  Whenever, wherever and however you can, truly enjoy.

15.) Pray or meditate

Life doesn’t offer a lot more emotionally salient or complex than caring for an ageing parent.  Accordingly, then, open yourself up to God, whatever that might mean to you.  Be sure to regularly get down on your knees, or sit comfortably in a quiet place; close your eyes; breathe deeply and slowly; and wait to come over you the peace that surpasses understanding.  What you’re undergoing with your parent right now is bigger than you, your parent, or anyone else involved.  Do not fail to avail yourself of the great and mighty source from whose perspective it has all, already, been resolved..

16.) Enjoy every moment while it lasts

We may not have long, but we have this moment.  Lets remind ourselves just ‘to be’ with them, their breath, their emotions, their fears and love them silently.  Hug them without the warning.  Forgive them for not being perfect.   Give them opportunity to be useful.  Find every way to make these moments lasts, so when the time comes, we feel beautifully peaceful and ready to let go.

Let’s Talk!

Arrange a 45 minute discovery call with me where we can look at your life, all that is working and all that is not working as you would like it to.  This is the precious time for yourself where you can pause, feel empowered and create new possibilities for yourself and your life!