Deep inside, I always believed the miracles are all around us. As life got busier, somehow, it became about making money, paying bills and trying to recharge in between just to keep on going in what seemed to make sense, especially because everyone around me was doing exactly the same… Those who chose a different path I saw as being completely crazy and putting themselves into too much of a ‘risk’. World occurred to me as a survival of a strongest.
So I kept on going what I now see my self now as ‘blindly’ – chasing, fixing myself, daring to dream, failing. Another recovery from the burn out, promise I won’t do it again, then dreaming again, taking an action, then what I perceived at the time as failing once more.
My life really was great, exciting, but there was one ‘blind spot’ I wasn’t prepared to see… I was running towards the wrong destination. Run was exhausting and my life started falling apart, slowly, gradually, something was off and I couldn’t put my finger on it and I was resigned to even try as I was too tired even to think about it and the moments I had an energy, I just used it up to just be happy and to do what I love the most – be a contribution to others. If you can’t fix your own life, at least to do something nice that makes a difference to others to give you a break from your own despair.
My job where I thought I finally found myself after many years in finance mostly ‘blue chip corporate world’, my health was suffering and in my marriage, I was too exhausted to give anything and if I had an energy, it was more out of guilt that mostly, I don’t have much energy at all to hear about what is going on for my Billy as I was in total dayly ‘survival’ myself.
I felt exhausted and trapped and saw now way out. I was subconsciously covering it with occasional excitement doing something pretty amazing, but every day, when I looked deep inside me, I really wasn’t happy at all.
All that time, one thing I truly wanted the most, to become a mum after 8 years of trying to get pregnant, it became just very distant dream which filled me with pain filled with deep sadness only some can truly understand.
I was stressed, suffered of anxiety due to my extremely demanding job working in foster care, that really mattered to me and I felt so not good enough. As a wife, possibility of a future mother, as a worker as a person. Through my job and everything I did every day I was supporting hundreds of people over the years and they all loved and appreciated me, but when I got home, I closed the door and felt completely exhausted, depressed and empty. The only sunshine of mine was my darling husband who somehow always found the way to make me laugh.
Still, I felt alone and the most difficult part was to understand it, to understand myself, to pause and allow myself to really look and reflect, to communicate. I complained to my very closest people – my dad, my husband, my sister, but I complained only when I couldn’t bare it as I didn’t want to make them worried. I mainly complained to myself.
The final release when I finally could just stop and be myself, was the 5 minutes in the evening in my garden when I gave myself a luxury to stop and be with myself and my thoughts puffing on a cigarette. Felt good. Finally, I stopped! No phone, no people. Thank God! peace – 5 minutes of it! Emotions, sadness, some tears on the bad days, on even worse days, no energy to even cry any more, but mostly, the sense of completely checking out escaping somewhere far far away.
Well, it all started the day when I decided to do something different and drugged myself to a yoga class with my friend. As I started walking back, I started feeling sensation in my back, I asked my friend to slow down as I gradually got to the point when I can barely move at all.
I am someone who is surprisingly good in the situations of crisis and as something similar happened just before my wedding, I was trained and knew how to ‘proceed’. I ‘instructed’ my friend how to support me get to the nearest point where I can wait for the escort home while I explained to her the situation very practically and with light in my voice with which I even surprised myself. It was my unique coping mechanism and sense of humour when things ‘really go wrong’ I inherited after my mum, this ability to laugh when nobody expects you should.
Walk was very long and my main focus was to make sure I don’t break in half and walk on the ‘cloud like’ causing the least amount of ‘turbulence’ for my old lower back injury I was clear that was back.
My friend had concern in her eyes, but she played my game of talking about nice fun stuff as we both knew we have a long snail walk and I trusted my body I can do it.
Eventually, my body went to a complete stand still for couple of days and it was a gift! Now I know someone up there loves me very much to make me physically stop. During this long walk and opportunity of a great conversation, I suddenly saw the clear opening of what I never saw before. Sun was shining and in spite of it all, from that moment, I felt incredibly peaceful.
13 years of my life in London, missing mountains, sunshine, family, language and just about everything in my country, suddenly saw there is another way. To live, to create, to fill the peace and the joy, to laugh more, to be free.. The little window in which there was no fear, just pure light and peace… It felt it came out of nowhere. Now I know it was a miracle and beginning of the new chapter of my life.
3 days in bed, being creating person not being allowed to go to work or work from home, I started following my heart. One thing led to another and by the end of the week, opportunities started flooding in, dreams I even forgot about had an opening to be fulfilled, I started creating my new life and Friday 4pm I was asking God to give me an answer whether to go back to work on Monday. I knew the answer, but I didn’t have a courage. As incredible as it still sounds, 5.30pm, out of the blue and completely unexpected, I received the e-mail my contract has been terminated. 2 minutes of shock and then I bursted to laughter, it was laughter of gratitude and then, beautiful quiet peace in my heart, my mind.
I knew I am in the right place and I didn’t know what is ahead of me. I just had a strong feeling and incredible trust that something amazing is happening in my life and it is just the beginning. No certainty, no answers, no idea what future holds… Im left feeling extremely loved and being truly cared about. It is the most loving kick in the but in a while with my little voice saying, go and share the light that you are and trust yourself all the way.
Some things that happen to us in life don’t appear to be miracles at the time until years later when we are able to reflect and appreciate them fully.
What are your little miracles in life?